What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

All the time i was locked up.

She loved him until the end.

Why am I so tired of the keto diet?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It was going to be , some day.

I write beautiful poetry .

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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

So whats the point in blame.

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Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

When she asked me how she looked .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

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Was to survive, this bastard.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Why are American university students fine with sharing a room?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Are there any more 'nun' jokes?

She wouldn,t have been !

My life is so biszare .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

What is the irony of life according to you?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My family never makes their pension either.

How do I cope with the fact that I will never have a girlfriend?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Is it true that schizophrenia can sometimes be a demonic attack or black magic?

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Who then, do I blame.?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was seconnd youngest,

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

This is soul school!.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Put me off passion for life!!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

(And it was in our own minds.)

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

We all went to grammer schools

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

We were not on the streets..

She found it foreign!.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Im still living with it.

So, i spoilt her more .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And i lived it daily.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But, we were locked up after school.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I was very sick at this time too.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I will be 64.

But it wasn’t much.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I think the readers, may guess!

I don,t even have a pension.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

What did i know ?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was 9 years of age.

Why did i forgive my father ?

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She was in good health!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I waited trembling.

One cannot live in the past .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Especially a lifetime of it.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I said to her

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He knew the spot.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was scared of men, in general

I have no regrets .

I never cut or harmed myself..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Ive learnt so much.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

She married twice! .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I couldn’t, believe it.

Would this be the day?

I could never make a relationship work though!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Comes on , in middle age.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

As i do to all so called friends.?

The only rule us 5 kids had .